Having children of my own has always been something I’ve wanted. I never remember asking myself if I wanted children, it was always just an inherit dream woven into my heart. If you’ve read the title, know us, or follow me on social media, then you know that I am indeed pregnant and will (hopefully) deliver our first baby this December. But today, I want to share our journey to this point, which includes talking about something I haven’t talked about openly. I want to share the story of our chemical pregnancy, the fears and anxiety I felt, and the incredible things God taught us through this season.
My husband and I were married in May of 2015, and in the late summer of 2017 we began talking about growing our family. We began trying for a baby in November of 2017, and almost immediately in early December, I got a positive pregnancy test. We were both in shock that it happened so quickly and we were glowing with our incredible secret. The timing seemed almost magical- right at Christmas. I began to think of how we would tell our family, names, and a thousand other happy day dreams. I quickly scheduled an appointment with my doctor for a blood test, and waited anxiously as the day came. I was all smiles the day I walked into my OB office, and didn’t even mind the needle. I was just ready for the confirmation that I was indeed carrying our first baby. They did the blood test, and I waited by the phone the entire next day until the office called. When I picked up the phone, I fully expected that confirmation, but instead, the nurse told me that I was no longer pregnant. I felt as if my heart, made of glass, slipped through my hands and fell broken on the floor. Almost immediately after getting off the phone, I started to see the signs of an early miscarriage. Every sweet day dream and plan I had made for the coming season vanished. After I stopped crying and took a moment to process this event, every possible fear and anxiety took over my entire being. Did I do something that caused this? Am I going to be able to get pregnant at all? How am I going to break the news to Shane?
Because we weren’t openly sharing that we were trying, this loss was one we grieved for silently, alone. While I didn’t really want to talk about it, it also made it feel that the loss wasn’t real. But isn’t it amazing how God hardwired our hearts to hope again? Even though they weren’t aware of the loss, I would receive an encouraging message from a friend that seemed to speak exactly to how I was feeling, at just the right time. Or someone at church would tell me they had been praying for me, without prompting. I was reminded, that time after time, God keeps his promises. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” And just as He promised, I was given comfort from others who didn’t even realize I needed comfort, or why they were giving it. Because in the entirety of creation, He cares about my heart, about my soul, and about me.
If I were to tell you that I waited patiently and joyfully the entire time we were trying, I would be lying. The months would seem long, and I can’t say that my heart didn’t hurt a little bit each time I got a negative test. But through the season of desert, God gave me peace, taught me more about patience, and gave me reminder after reminder that he works all things together for good (even if it’s not how we would have initially envisioned it).
I write this to say, if you are struggling with loss, or keeping your peace in a time of waiting, know that God hasn’t forgotten you. He is constantly weaving joy, hope, and love throughout the midst of our struggle and sorrow.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,[a] for those who are called according to his purpose.” -Romans 8:28, ESV
Now we are expecting our son, Blaine, in December and we praise God daily for this incredible blessing. For all good things, come from Him.